i am on my second placement (internship) towards the completion of my degree. i am this time assigned at the stroke rehab unit to learn the neurological side of occupational therapy.

my first foray into the land of incontinence bags, bed pans and limp extremities officially started last week.

at first, i didnt like it. i had to be up earlier than my normal wake-up call, as the unit starts earlier than my present job.

not to mention, i have to be alert and be on my toes, which meant i had to sleep early (not for a night owl like myself), but since i know i have to be the best student mode; and the brain works better on a full night’s sleep i had no choice but give in to the call of nature and employment; “will sleep, work better”.

but lo and behold, the domestic front was also as challenging. issues started again regarding my love ones, i had no choice but to spread myself thin and weak. i was juggling so much, work, placement, love ones, enemies (nyehehe), domestic chores and wifely duties. i was beat. i was tired, overly exhausted.

on my first day of placement, i was a little bit shocked because of alot of physical involvement with the patients. a therapist was expected to perform alot of manual handling to the patient as part of therapy. great for the patient, but darn painful on my back. by lunchtime, i was wanting to go home and cry. the second day was the same, but i continued and muttered between my teeth. the third day became less painful and so on and so forth.

today, was officially the start of my second week in the stroke unit. i came in, early as usual, and eager like a sponge wanting a soak. i was able to do alot of assessments on my own, and alot prepared and much confident within the span of how many days. i was complimented by the supervisor for having done “above and beyond of what the expectations” were of me.  to get an unexpected compliment is such a high, especially from a stern educator, at a very difficult placement.

but best of all, i have been given the opportunity to work with a complex case today, which they dont normally allow for students. the educator said, they only give special considerations to excellent students.

i went home feeling fuller in mind and spirit. ahhh, today i learnt the meaning of self-satisfaction.

for that, i will not begrudge sleeping early tonight.

the past few months has been the longest “negativity” spell in my life of late. my father died, and some skirmishes in the family has been unresting apart from the day-to-day human troubles that hit a person.

so with that added negativity,it made me reassess and know myself better, patterns started to show, and some of my subconsious started to spurt.

for someone who hates conflict, confrontation and deliberate “padungog-dungog”, i have been reduced to becoming exactly what i hated. i have been confrontational to tormenting relatives, i have been the one bringing the conflict up to everyone’s attention and i have been guilty of making “padungog-dungog” to them, to feel some sort of vindication.

i am prone to self-loathing of late. and hence, the cycle of negativity continues.

on a recent chat to therese, i told her to “Stay-away” from me (jokingly), as i am a temple of the devil on the recent weeks, and i dont want the negativity to be spread around. i dont like bringing people down just because i am. if i want to wallow in my pits, and feel my pores seething with bad karma, it doesnt mean, i want my friends to be affected with it all. but of course, therese knew that i was talking out of my arse,so she laughed me off lovingly, and energized me after talking me out of my misery.

(thank you Lord for friends).

thus, the conclusion, i have noticed, i stay away, i leave, i run, as far as i can if i could, to be away from the feasting of my very own self, roast-spitting my soul on a bonfire , as i torture my brain of self-harming schemes of hate and animosity. the dramas i concoct in my brain are products of being too far away from those that matter so much to me, and are the centre of this word wars between the family.

i need to only infest my closest and dearest of my anger and they are the people who has seen me in at my worst. as i know they will love me no matter what. (although lately, i feel sorry for them for what they have to go through apart from the “troubles”, my beastly demeanor has not escaped their attention too).

i stay away from my present company and only interject comments and reactions when i am possessed fleetingly by a “kinder and good” spirit. perhaps, that is the time when my prayer warriors have started prayers for me.

so i dont make such appearances on people’s blogs, or make short conversations,or join groups when my spirit is exhausted of any kindness and empathy to give. i cannot be a good friend if i have lost that capacity to feel for them, although i do, when there are moments, my mind has rested and my body can tolerate weather battering. i cannot afford understanding when my mind needs a good talking to by an all-listening ear who understands even my midsentence breathing. but because it needs sustenance, i am prone to being (overly) sensitive, and being all-too touchy on subjects, which i feel, i’m being shot at for no apparent reason.

i have been praying fervently every single day, to be rid of this grey feeling, this negativity in my mind, which only started again on the last few weeks, when my aunties have been attacking my mother and siblings once again, but i know, like every season, this will pass.

for now,i am only seen when i know, i can handle it.

so i ask, be kind to me, and if you feel i have not been too warm nor cosy recently, its just me, being too wrapped up in my own movie, with a crazy storyline that can beat any mexican telenovela and characters as big as that of Barbara Streisand’s nose in the movie Yentl.

i will pop my head once in a while when i am not too vulnerable, and not too precious of my own self-centredness.

for the meantime, the doors and shutters are closed.

but someone is inside.

just puffing her cigarettes.

* * *

adrian cheered me up by feeding me. and by feeding me, he knows, all worries about the pound to peso depreciation, auntzilla attacks, carbon footprint calculations, world hunger and impending nuclear wars, are all put behind the burners.

so far, my fridge is filled up will everything what my diabetes doctor told me not to eat, everything my girlfrends proclaimed as sinful, all of my wishlists for christmas and newyear celebration combined, and every newly unknown pinoy product found at the filipino store.

so far, the equation goes like this, the more unconcerned i am of my health, the lesser worries i have for the world, so this is me-letting go, and letting be.

besides, what can a 32 year old do nowadays to exemplify rebellion? if not for the health scares, i would not be able to defy any authority, just so i could be the james dean in my own life, a rebel without any justifiable cause.

-ice cream on a very hot day (they melt too quickly)

-beautiful colourful seasons (like autumn..next thing we know, its christmas once again)

-good health (it never lasts, but until when, depends on how one manages it)

-beauty (although i am quite lucky…i never got used to it because there was none to start with,hahaha). inner beauty lasts though, and it seeps through the pores. keeps one glowing and young looking.

- a great body massage…when one hour suddenly feels sooo short…

-a food and gabfest session with wonderful girlfriends. –no explanation needed.

-wonderful romantic movies…they cant keep running after 2 and a half hours.

-summer..and its sunshine

-a box of oreos…or a packet of cheeseballs…where did it all go?

-a nice hair day (at lunch time, it all goes blah)

-Lipstick Jungle (i am addicted,haha).

-a phonecall from my sister Therese-because akio has to eat and my husband was turning into waif every minute he misses his meal,haha!

* * *

a classmate of mine once said” i am myself. if you cannot accept me, turn your ugly face around to face someone else who gives a shit to your dramas”…pang Oscar awards iyang linya…*standing ovation*

there is a problem with my computer. i asked adrian for a quick look, he said maybe because my  C Drive is almost filled up (damn these big photo sizes).

he advised me to transfer most my photos to my external hardrive. that will be tomorrow’s job, which i hope would clear up the slow uploading of photos.

its weird coz multiply and blogspot are the only ones that has problems. flicker downloads like lightning as well as wordpress,which i still feel is the problem of multiply and wordpress.

and since i have been itching to post this since last night at blogspot, let me post this here, for the meantime, while hubby sorts out whats wrog with my computer.

i wanted to see how this looks as a bigger photo ..just thinking of printing some photos when were decorating the dining area=)

after weeks of researching, rewriting and fiddling with my essay, i have finally submitted the final copy today.

it was a few weeks of overtime in the university and the hospital’s library,  googling books from amazon and typing and re-typing my essay. alas, im done!

i just now have to enjoy my evenings and weekends more, but not too much, as my placement at the next level requires ALOT of studying.

but im good at winging things, so hopefully, it won’t be trouble much.

my essay at editing phase……………..and today at final stage, yahoo!!!

* * *

today was spent shooting and shopping. two of the best verbs God ever invented.

i had another dream of papa last night.

another, because i dreamt about him a few days before my birthday. in the dream, i saw him across a road (i dont even recognize the road), and he smiled and motioned for me to meet up with him halfway. i did and he took my hand. all of a sudden i was a little girl. i said “hi pa, naa lagi ka”. he said, “niagi ko kay i-treat tika kay birthday nimo”. i held his hand knowing i was in a dream and i held too tight. the next thing i saw we were walking to cross the road, and after a car flashed by, i couldnt see him after that.

the feel of his hand felt too real. i cried when i woke up.

last night’s dream was weird. my mama and i were in a hotel and we were talking about the coming “halloween” (not that we celebrate halloween at all). we talked how scary the feel of some hotels esp that it was halloween. i went to the toilet and i ran out to my mom and reported that i felt “a presence” of “something”. i urged her to go to the toilet and feel it for herself. my auntie inday was around that time too.

then out of the blue, the intercom (i dont know why there was an intercom), said “chelo, chelo” it was Papa’s voice. i said “Pa? is that you?”. the intercom voice said “siguraduha nga naa sa imong pangalan ang yuta” and he repeated it 3x as the intercom was very hazy. my Mama was also shocked. the intercom went on to say “pangayo ug tabang sa imong mga tiya”. he said that in a stern voice. i said “yes” to his request even if i wouldnt want to do what he said. and before i he said goodbye “muagi ko nimo karong biyernes para ibilin ang wallet”. i didn’t know what he meant by that, but i said yes to it, as i wanted to see him badly.

i woke up and wept.

i wish, halloween really has the powers of waking up dead love ones and have them knocking on the door.

on second thought, errr, no. its too scary saying it that way.

i wish, im dreaming of Papa again tonight. i miss him so badly.

on tuesday evening, i had my hair cut (after forgetting my appointment on saturday).

so what do i think looking at myself after the cut?

murag nanimaws gyud ang hairstylist sa akong missed appointment. (it looks as if the hairstylist got her revenge on me).

there i was apologetic, and feeling embarassed for forgetting about the appointment. i was quite surprised she was very forgiving considering, it wasnt the first time i did it. (last year, i forgot about another appointment too, *slap forehead*). my excuse of not feeling well on saturday fell between uncomfortable and seemed like a bad lie considering it was the plain truth.

she didnt even have to ask me what i wanted when i sat on the swivel chair. she knew, having been my hairstylist for over two years, i have the same haircut over and over. i am anyway, a creature of habit. hairstyle is one of them. i stick with what works, and what im comfortable.

but she was scissor happy. and took more layers than she should. i was distracted with the free handmassage given to me simutaneously with the haircut.

the next thing i know, i was paying forty five pounds (tips and all) worth of 80’s jon bon jovi layers.  

* * *

at work today (i dont work tuesdays and wednesdays–my university days), my colleagues remarked that they like my hairstyle. if they knew, it was an hour’s worth of hair products , hairtstyling and blowdrying, they might have said something else. an hour’s worth of waking up earlier than normal.

everybody now, “im gonna lay you down in a bed of roses..”!!!

big confession: i can be a big self-centred twat sometimes. (i said sometimes).

i am the biggest twat especially when i am not feeling well, not in a good mood, or simply feeling bored.

i may come across as “easygoing” and quite forgiving, but depending on how close one is to me, i have been branded by my closest (ie. family) as quite “demanding, explosive and hard taskmaster”…to which i own up to.

obviously those three “harsh adjectives said to me were said by my closest and dearest in different instances either: in shouting, joking, half-laughing or crying yet all wellmeaning and im sure, was all meant from the heart (should i be worried?).

but point taken.

on a recent chat to my bestfriend karla, who has given me a rundown on whats latest with our “business” backhome (all monkies,mind you), i sincerely asked for an intervention. (well, i do this alot when im on the verge of a breakdown–of anger and frustration). karla brought me back to reality, sometimes, i can react in a very weird manner to some things, which is misconstrued by alot of people, and if people dont know me that much, theyd think i have been possessed by some maniacal spirit. (although she said, thats my only flaw from all the perks being my bestfriend,haha, namawi..and continued to enumerate my less evil traits which to her were being generous, thoughtful, understanding, an ear, a loyal ally and always happy for someone’s good fortune).

it may come out as harsh words between acquaintances, to be able to be as upfront and brutally frank like that, but being my bestfriend, she knows me back to front, inside and out–which gives her every right to do so.

im digressing, so back to my point. so yes, karla was right. if im expecting a phone call, just prepare for the possibility that it wont arrive. if im expecting a thank you or hug, half expect that the good deed may have gone unnoticed, and if i expect the care i wanted from the dearest ones, half expect the opposite and put it down to a missed opportunity, gone with the wind.

i now come to the conclusion that when i feel i am not given the attention i need, the acknowledgement i wanted, the loving i so craved, no matter how appropriate, how needed and how deservedly earned, i will just have to accept, it may not come. and if i feel bad about it not being there, i should’nt feel so because sometimes, its just not about me.

sometimes, some people have their own issues and things to sort out for themselves, blocking all decency to be correct.

brush past the experience and shrug it off.

*hugging self*

* * *

1) sleep..lots and lots of it

2) cuddly pillows and fresh sheets

3) loads of liquid (for drinking,of course)

and

4) food…

( breads: white french loaf and olive loaf;

different cheeses: cathedral cheddar, camembert cheese, brie cheese,

parma ham and succulent tomatoes)

and oh, gazillion hugs and TLc from your love one.

…medicine the old school way. the sensible way.

(these owls are wiser than i am)

i received a phonecall in the middle of my afternoon nap. unusually, it was on my mobile which i normally dont answer on weekends.

“this is she”, i lazily said when the caller looked for “ragen”. it turned out, it was the hairdresser telling me i missed my 2 pm appointment.

i apologized profusely. it was my second time to forget a hair appointment. not this same one, but last year, i also forgot about it, during a lazy weekend.

everytime my mind is conditioned to a relaxing weekend, i almost always forget something. this time its my hair appointment.

good thing, “anthony” the owner of the hair salon was very accommodating and forgiving, that he let me resched my appointment for tuesday.

“duh! *loon face*”