some good things never last

 

 

 

-ice cream on a very hot day (they melt too quickly)

-beautiful colourful seasons (like autumn..next thing we know, its christmas once again)

-good health (it never lasts, but until when, depends on how one manages it)

-beauty (although i am quite lucky…i never got used to it because there was none to start with,hahaha). inner beauty lasts though, and it seeps through the pores. keeps one glowing and young looking.

- a great body massage…when one hour suddenly feels sooo short…

-a food and gabfest session with wonderful girlfriends. –no explanation needed.

-wonderful romantic movies…they cant keep running after 2 and a half hours.

-summer..and its sunshine

-a box of oreos…or a packet of cheeseballs…where did it all go?

-a nice hair day (at lunch time, it all goes blah)

-Lipstick Jungle (i am addicted,haha).

-a phonecall from my sister Therese-because akio has to eat and my husband was turning into waif every minute he misses his meal,haha!

 

* * *

a classmate of mine once said” i am myself. if you cannot accept me, turn your ugly face around to face someone else who gives a shit to your dramas”…pang Oscar awards iyang linya…*standing ovation*

when new hair happens to unsuspecting people

on tuesday evening, i had my hair cut (after forgetting my appointment on saturday).

so what do i think looking at myself after the cut?

murag nanimaws gyud ang hairstylist sa akong missed appointment. (it looks as if the hairstylist got her revenge on me).

there i was apologetic, and feeling embarassed for forgetting about the appointment. i was quite surprised she was very forgiving considering, it wasnt the first time i did it. (last year, i forgot about another appointment too, *slap forehead*). my excuse of not feeling well on saturday fell between uncomfortable and seemed like a bad lie considering it was the plain truth.

she didnt even have to ask me what i wanted when i sat on the swivel chair. she knew, having been my hairstylist for over two years, i have the same haircut over and over. i am anyway, a creature of habit. hairstyle is one of them. i stick with what works, and what im comfortable.

but she was scissor happy. and took more layers than she should. i was distracted with the free handmassage given to me simutaneously with the haircut.

the next thing i know, i was paying forty five pounds (tips and all) worth of 80’s jon bon jovi layers.  

 

* * *

at work today (i dont work tuesdays and wednesdays–my university days), my colleagues remarked that they like my hairstyle. if they knew, it was an hour’s worth of hair products , hairtstyling and blowdrying, they might have said something else. an hour’s worth of waking up earlier than normal.

everybody now, “im gonna lay you down in a bed of roses..”!!!

life is not about “me” all the time

big confession: i can be a big self-centred twat sometimes. (i said sometimes).

i am the biggest twat especially when i am not feeling well, not in a good mood, or simply feeling bored.

i may come across as “easygoing” and quite forgiving, but depending on how close one is to me, i have been branded by my closest (ie. family) as quite “demanding, explosive and hard taskmaster”…to which i own up to.

obviously those three “harsh adjectives said to me were said by my closest and dearest in different instances either: in shouting, joking, half-laughing or crying yet all wellmeaning and im sure, was all meant from the heart (should i be worried?).

but point taken.

on a recent chat to my bestfriend karla, who has given me a rundown on whats latest with our “business” backhome (all monkies,mind you), i sincerely asked for an intervention. (well, i do this alot when im on the verge of a breakdown–of anger and frustration). karla brought me back to reality, sometimes, i can react in a very weird manner to some things, which is misconstrued by alot of people, and if people dont know me that much, theyd think i have been possessed by some maniacal spirit. (although she said, thats my only flaw from all the perks being my bestfriend,haha, namawi..and continued to enumerate my less evil traits which to her were being generous, thoughtful, understanding, an ear, a loyal ally and always happy for someone’s good fortune).

it may come out as harsh words between acquaintances, to be able to be as upfront and brutally frank like that, but being my bestfriend, she knows me back to front, inside and out–which gives her every right to do so.

im digressing, so back to my point. so yes, karla was right. if im expecting a phone call, just prepare for the possibility that it wont arrive. if im expecting a thank you or hug, half expect that the good deed may have gone unnoticed, and if i expect the care i wanted from the dearest ones, half expect the opposite and put it down to a missed opportunity, gone with the wind.

i now come to the conclusion that when i feel i am not given the attention i need, the acknowledgement i wanted, the loving i so craved, no matter how appropriate, how needed and how deservedly earned, i will just have to accept, it may not come. and if i feel bad about it not being there, i should’nt feel so because sometimes, its just not about me.

sometimes, some people have their own issues and things to sort out for themselves, blocking all decency to be correct.

brush past the experience and shrug it off.

*hugging self*

 

* * *

happiness

 

 ( im posting a happy picture here, or definitely an afternoon of happiness

                                         when i took this picture)

-for my sister Ana that she will be doing things that she enjoys doing. im so happy that she found herself and i’m so proud of her . i know she’ll do great in the path that she’s chosen.

-for Leah, as she finally decided to fly and work in Dubai. She had an opportunity  a long time ago but she wanted to try flexing her muscles in the world of academe in Cebu but felt too constricted where she was. Now, she will have a smorgasbord of work waiting for her in Dubai. Sadly, she wont be in Cebu when i go home.

-for Cheche, that she is finally in the arms of the one she loves. Her small family is complete again.

 

thats it for now.

getting back on my two feet again

after having been on hiatus for some time from wordpress (this has been my “running-away-from-the crowd-place), my online journal (in the truest sense of the word),—i am back and have fully reflected on past events in my slightly-cluttered life.

the past few months i was living in a comfortable cocoon, having had the family around me to give me comfort and love. now, im back in england after a 7 week stint in the philippines for some r&r, i only got myself and hubby for comfort. (i know people say, theyre only a telephone call away, but nothing beats conversation over a cup of cappucino and a big dinefest afterwards with loads of hugs and laughs). so yeah, it is “away from home” sequel to my ongoing drama.

i am digressing, pardon my incoherence, but this time, its a different home coming to england. i am seeing england with new eyes, and all the rest of my senses.

i am appreciating it more, and loving it more, having been away for almost two months, im starting to see the beauty of living here. dont get me wrong, i will never trade the phils. to here, but now, i am accepting the life of a british wife, more openly-not in defeat but with full love and appreciation.

after 5 years!

its him and i, again. and its great. im back on my own two feet…and his’ too!

blogs do work

it does, and it did serve its purpose for me the last few weeks.

an auntie wrote to me via email and asked for the blogs to stop in exchange of her, taking care of my family not being ambushed by unnecessary talks from her evil sisters. she explained to me (and rang my mom and sister) that she was hurt by what her sisters had done and clarified issues with talks about things she said about my dad’s funeral.

she was quite too defensive about her involvement about the whole fracas, and i think its because she doesnt want to be named and included in my blog. this even if my blog was just seen by networks only.

i am NOT proud of what i have done. and id never advocate for people to do the same when in anger. but that was the only way i can hurl pain and insults their way, without being cut-off on the phone(if i rang them on the phone/plus i hate spending phone bills on people i dont care for), and i couldn’t wait to tell them my piece of mind til i get to the phils.

it was even more hurtful for them coz i know they read my blogs (as i am friends with their children/my cousins) and as networks, they can read my blog too. and i could see their ugly faces in my screen every single day.

in the end, my auntie wrote to me and thanked me when i promised to put the blog about her sisters on hold for the moment (until i hear anything new) and promised in return that she will see to it that none of this nonsense will continue. although she also is trying to bridge the gap between my family and her family (aunties and my lola), i conceded to my mom going to my lola’s house as we have nothing against our lola. she was just manipulated by the evil sisters. i told her, i cant promise to build bridges and be friends with the two sisters as i have said things i cannot renege on. there comes a point when turning back is not an option and in my case, i have said things (and they have done and said things) which being friends is quite impossible.

it is sad because i have tried to be a peacemaker in the family but with their attitude and lack of family values, i dont think peacemaking from a mortal being is the answer. divine intervention would be the better option.

so, blogs do work. keep blogging guys=)

there’s always love

i admit, for the fierce and upfront person that i am, someone who dares challenges in life, surging through obstacles like a bull after the red shawl, i am scared of quite a number of things. whether it may be getting old and not having steady hands to put lipstick on, losing love ones,  being officially told i cant have kids and having terminal cancer, one of my greatest of fears is going bald.

the latter is the most pressing matter that concerns me most recently because i have noticed that my hair (although i never see them fall in clumps) has started to leave its roots.  i am seeing more and more of my scalp everyday, whenever i look in the mirror (a mighty square millimetre perday maybe?) and even doing a quick check on of my reflection on a window .  its such a scary thought that for the vain (im not really, but for the lack of a better word, i love to beautify myself you see) person that i am, its such a stressful cloud over my pretty balding head.

today, in my 6-7 weekly visit to my hairdresser, ive noticed that even no matter how accustomed she has been to how thin(ning) my hair is, i could still see the dilation of her pupils from the shock whenever she feels that the pumped up look of the hair is purely due to products and not by hair particles itself. she (nicole) was so nice by saying, my hair is thick in the backside, but its the top it’s where its thin. we have a little laugh about it perhaps she must feel sorry for me, me with a shiny scalp, she with thick mane and slick haircut.

i can tell you how good she is by making me feel and look fabulous after every “me” time at the salon, and with great difficulty makes my hair get to the biggest it could get (only to get deflated by the cold wind on the trek back to the car).  i always come out feeling feminine and more assured that yes, i have got the mini boost of self-confidence once again after being pumped up by a dollop of thick volumizing mousse.

unfortunately,not today.

today, i came out of ‘hair oasis’ feeling as deflated as my sideswept bangs, and the only thing as shiny as my scalp is the shine of my ever potruding forehead. i knew, for the love of money and country, i need to do something about it. the only thing is, i am not as rich as elton john so my scalp will be embedded hairfollicles, nor am i desperate (but nearly) to go all the way to the wigfarm and wear husky-feeling horsehairs as wigs.

i went home feeling sorry for myself and since the dinner with the inlaws for tonight wasnt until 8:45 pm i had a few hours to kill for self-pity and comfort eating. adrian found me sat on the couch, deflated and tearful. all the more teary when he asked “what’s the matter?”.

i replied by bursting into tears telling him that i will sooner be a bald woman with no prospects of a solution and that if he feels embarrassed by me, i should not hold it against him if he decides to leave me. besides who wants a bald woman for a wife? “i do” he said.

he kissed my tears away and took a handful of the crisps i was eating. he sat beside me , ate with me in silence, munching away and listening to my sobs and wails about a doomed future of forever having to wear wigs and not being able to go to salons anymore. 

and in that silence, i know love will never forsake me. he will be there no matter how big an 80’s hair i will have or a thin wispy patch over my scalp, he is there, to share my woes (and my crisps) with me.

bring on the baldness.

to be free

It is true that you don’t know what you’re missing until you don’t have it. 

 in my case, im having a case of knowing what I don’t have because i have something  now. free time. isnt that worth a blog? 

nothing too grand, but to say that im a free woman, is one of the best things i could utter (free time baby, yeah!). no essays, no referencing and a break from studying. (“break” being the operative word).

i came home today, half expecting myself to get back to researching, reading, editing and referencing. but alas, the deed is done. last assignment handed in, and its not even deadline yet (its tomorrow!). what great accomplishment for a crammer.

so instead of foraying into academic endeavours on the computer, i satisfied my my lust for my news from my friends’ blogs. what an afternoon!

after tea and a plum fruit, adrian and i went to mothercare to buy some baby stuff for a baby shower ive organized for a friend. since we werent rushed, we went on to do a little bit of shopping at costco. what wonderful feeling, not to rush.

i will savor these moments.  

lists of things and people im happy about

i want to start the year 2008 with a positive big bang and post what made me happy recently.

here are the top ones that i could remember in a hurry:

-my friend aileen s. came out of hospital yesterday and she didnt have to spend new year there after all. what great news, considering she suffered with pneumonia (i wonder how long she’s had it, coz she’s been unwell for some time). im glad she’s recovered now and hopefully makes up for the days with friends she’s missed. i wish i was there to hug her. she’s one of my angels. i hope she’ll write again soon and post pictures because i truly miss her blogs (and photos).

-my friend mai just had her break in boracay. dont i just envy her? so much so. i still have yet to conquer those sandy shores and lap in its waves. july please hurry. she’s also came back not only with a great tan but with great pictures to prove what a wonderful time she’s had. (all the more envious me,* sob*). her smiles are evident that she’s in love right now. so happy for her.

-my friend T is going home, and not just going home to rest and relax but be busy and start moolah-making. she doesnt need to as her husband is a moneymaking-whizzkid but she’s one of these people whose talent cant be wasted. she’s so good with organizing and planning parties and she’s also a genius in the kitchen. i cant wait to be one of those to avail custom from Kusina Habana. and hopefully our plans push through for february lest she gets too much business from tycoons who are willing to pay double than i could afford, then she’d snub me.*i hope not*

-patricia, my gorgeous friend, is still having the time of her life with her family right now and i wish im swapping seats with her and be with my family too. i cant wait for her promised photos because then, i can gorge on pics of my beloved philippines and get all homesickey again. and get some insider info on the latest spots to dine in cebu and manila.

-my conversation with longtime friend and adopted sister loien just before she celebrated new year. she’s having the time of her life in the US and she’s also has done some soulsearching which made her reevaluate her past and her recent decisons with certain people. this girl never fails to amaze me, with her uncanny way fo tackling life, and her ability to just let be and put her heart on her sleeve unabashedly. i love her for that. i cant wait to see her this year (yipeee!).

-my recent conversation with kharla. her recent trip to palawan with esmee and esmee’s boyfriend. her recent retreat at st.john’s and her calm and funny nature which i will always be in need to have as my calming influence. i cant wait to have many more adventures with her (and food adventures too!).

-my mama. she has just been the most patient and most understanding mother of a willfull, self-indulgent and hardheaded individual that is me. she has earned my lvoe not because she is my mother at birth but because she has shown me over the years and made me understand what she’s made of, and i truly respect and love her for that. so much.

-my sister ana. she and i talked hours upon hours to the disgust of my phone bill.  there are just so much to talk about. and i learn so many new things from her. and she always cracks me up. she’s the  most positive and most outgoing person i have talked to in recent months and she just makes me feel loved and cherished not just as a sister but as a friend. i cant wait to hang out with her again. kai, 2008 is here!!!

in writing this i miss my other friends too:

karen- for her funny and ourtageous anecdotes that always always be the best topic of table conversation. best listened to when she’s the one narrating them. with her ultra sultry dj voice and equally luscious look, i can only wish she’s here to cheer me up.

leah-ahhh, the ever feisty and ever creative leah. when you mix creativity with feistiness, what do you get? only passion and great adventures, in one person, that’s leah.

my two brothers: roi and jojo…i always well up and get teary-eyed when i miss these two. they are the best examples of opposites attract. their closeness and bond makes me love them all the more and makes me proud they are my brothers. very good ones at that.

fil, mimi, lynette, ayen, jane, chin,and the rest of the fairies just make me wish 2008 comes breezing through in a wink.

cheers to all these people. and there are alot more of my friends i havent mentioned but i will when space and time permit me to.

merry little christmas

a lot of people have finally agreed in conclusion that i definitely had a major emotional crises just before christmas.

too many things added to that eventuality although one greatest factor was the inability to cope with my father’s death, the holiday period and impending christmas cheers that i needed to perform which at the time i was lacking, and the surge of christmas revelers at home (all from hubby’s side) which meant i couldnt be my usual depressed state.

it didnt help that the house was in total mess and chaos amidst all these due to the kitchen works being done in the house. aghhh! i go crazy when things becomes disorderly to the husband being the brunt of all these emotions (bless him!). 

then one sunday morning specifically the 23rd of december, my mood lifted up.

i was suddenly able to listen to christmas songs (which grated on me the past few weeks) and i was suddenly looking forward to christmas.

was it the impending christmas giftgiving my friends and i organized (with great help from my family:my mom, my sister ana, my cousins karla and tony) that made me feel that way? was it the arrival of my stepsons that very evening? was it the prayer that i recite every night to take away this cloud of pain and grief? or was it when we decided to put up the christmas tree?

i dont reallyknow.

what i know is: i have at least three people i know praying for me to get better and be well.

i really thank them with all my heart.

you know who you are.