why i close the doors and shutters

the past few months has been the longest “negativity” spell in my life of late. my father died, and some skirmishes in the family has been unresting apart from the day-to-day human troubles that hit a person.

so with that added negativity,it made me reassess and know myself better, patterns started to show, and some of my subconsious started to spurt.

for someone who hates conflict, confrontation and deliberate “padungog-dungog”, i have been reduced to becoming exactly what i hated. i have been confrontational to tormenting relatives, i have been the one bringing the conflict up to everyone’s attention and i have been guilty of making “padungog-dungog” to them, to feel some sort of vindication.

i am prone to self-loathing of late. and hence, the cycle of negativity continues.

on a recent chat to therese, i told her to “Stay-away” from me (jokingly), as i am a temple of the devil on the recent weeks, and i dont want the negativity to be spread around. i dont like bringing people down just because i am. if i want to wallow in my pits, and feel my pores seething with bad karma, it doesnt mean, i want my friends to be affected with it all. but of course, therese knew that i was talking out of my arse,so she laughed me off lovingly, and energized me after talking me out of my misery.

(thank you Lord for friends).

thus, the conclusion, i have noticed, i stay away, i leave, i run, as far as i can if i could, to be away from the feasting of my very own self, roast-spitting my soul on a bonfire , as i torture my brain of self-harming schemes of hate and animosity. the dramas i concoct in my brain are products of being too far away from those that matter so much to me, and are the centre of this word wars between the family.

i need to only infest my closest and dearest of my anger and they are the people who has seen me in at my worst. as i know they will love me no matter what. (although lately, i feel sorry for them for what they have to go through apart from the “troubles”, my beastly demeanor has not escaped their attention too).

i stay away from my present company and only interject comments and reactions when i am possessed fleetingly by a “kinder and good” spirit. perhaps, that is the time when my prayer warriors have started prayers for me.

so i dont make such appearances on people’s blogs, or make short conversations,or join groups when my spirit is exhausted of any kindness and empathy to give. i cannot be a good friend if i have lost that capacity to feel for them, although i do, when there are moments, my mind has rested and my body can tolerate weather battering. i cannot afford understanding when my mind needs a good talking to by an all-listening ear who understands even my midsentence breathing. but because it needs sustenance, i am prone to being (overly) sensitive, and being all-too touchy on subjects, which i feel, i’m being shot at for no apparent reason.

i have been praying fervently every single day, to be rid of this grey feeling, this negativity in my mind, which only started again on the last few weeks, when my aunties have been attacking my mother and siblings once again, but i know, like every season, this will pass.

for now,i am only seen when i know, i can handle it.

so i ask, be kind to me, and if you feel i have not been too warm nor cosy recently, its just me, being too wrapped up in my own movie, with a crazy storyline that can beat any mexican telenovela and characters as big as that of Barbara Streisand’s nose in the movie Yentl.

i will pop my head once in a while when i am not too vulnerable, and not too precious of my own self-centredness.

for the meantime, the doors and shutters are closed.

but someone is inside.

just puffing her cigarettes.

 

* * *

adrian cheered me up by feeding me. and by feeding me, he knows, all worries about the pound to peso depreciation, auntzilla attacks, carbon footprint calculations, world hunger and impending nuclear wars, are all put behind the burners.

so far, my fridge is filled up will everything what my diabetes doctor told me not to eat, everything my girlfrends proclaimed as sinful, all of my wishlists for christmas and newyear celebration combined, and every newly unknown pinoy product found at the filipino store.

so far, the equation goes like this, the more unconcerned i am of my health, the lesser worries i have for the world, so this is me-letting go, and letting be.

besides, what can a 32 year old do nowadays to exemplify rebellion? if not for the health scares, i would not be able to defy any authority, just so i could be the james dean in my own life, a rebel without any justifiable cause.