dark clouds looming
when my lecturer in anthropology and sociology discussed that in some third world countries, adolescence is skipped, i thought for a while there, she looked at me as if asking for silent permission to agree with her.
i kept my mouth shut. she must have known from the interested gaze i gave her eversince she delved into issues of poverty and lack of basic sustenance, as well as primary healthcare, that i was “feeling” her lecture.
not so much as the third world country point of view, but as to the exact words she blurted out that indeed, adolescence is skipped because of early responsibilities one is faced, if she/he was coming from an impoverished or even struggling background than her/his western counterparts.
from a young age, i knew i had to help my parents. i had to, being the eldest and having great dreams for my family, i had to work hard to get halfway to where i wanted. and come to think about it, i didnt come from an impoverished family. neither were we rich, but we were an average family with both parents having an average income from a small time family business.
it was the unwritten rule. if you know my family, the grand matriarch, who we feel we should always please,was embedding in our minds the values of respecting ones parents by taking care of them financially, and making sure they are well fed and looked after. it was an inevitable which we knew would come sooner or later.
the actual need for help came only in my late teens (i was turning 18 infact). my father announced he could hardly afford my tuition fees, plus the fact that he was hospitalized due to a stroke. i knew i wanted to be able to give money back to my parents. my thought was:” wouldnt it be nice to be the one handing in the money instead of asking for it?”
from then on, my mindset was: money will be here if i keep on working. besides, i had younger siblings to give monetary allowance to. that was my education, the very backbone of who i am today.
that cycle of wanting to give, and give, until your back breaks, is amazing. once you get caught in that cycle, its hard to get out of it. it is addictive, and at the same time there’s that narcissistic appeal to people who like me, have the perpetual craving for love and affection (and be appreciated).
during lunch time today, i rang karla on my mobile. asked how she was and how her week was going. she had a little discussion with her parents about money and about their future plans. presently, karla is like myself, to her family. apart from paying for tuition fee for her sister nursing education, and the monthly money she gives as allowance/grocery money, karla feels a little depressed that she cant have her next big splurge until her next salary.
i said to her ” then stop giving”. she said “i cant”. i sighed. its no use talking to her about matters like these because i see myself in her. no matter how we feel pinched and or unable to get what we want for luxury (coz as single women our salary would have been more than enough to buy us shoes to fill our eyeballs), the salary would not sustain our love for travel and fashion if we want to prioritize feeding/clothing and educating a family of 6.
“its hard when the standard of the family is you,chel”. she jokingly said, pertaining to the present circumstances thati have with my family right now.
“but of course, i can do what i do because i earn in pounds.dont feel pressured oy” i reassured her.
she argued, “but you were doing that eversince. and all our parents think we should be like you”.
i apologized if i was used by my aunts and uncles as the template to be the perfect daughter. (its about time they see the goodness in me!). unfortunately, being seen as a good daughter for financially helping your family isnt really a compliment. it just makes me think their values are quite perverted. i would rather be seen as a good daughter first, for loving my family beyond and above my own personal affairs and last, for whatever financial help i give to them.
my advice to her was:”not being able to give to our family makes us uncomfortable. but when helping them is not making them grow and make them dependent even more, that wouldnt be much help either. do not feel guilty if you’re not giving any more than what you can afford. only give freely after you have done your own personal bills and you have satisfied your own personal needs. besides, who can help us when we are in deep trouble too? no one”.
if only i can follow my own advice.
* * *
we ended the conversation by agreeing that we just have to finish what we already started..and to forego luxuries for the benefit of all.
haaaayyy..
