tonight’s prayer

i thank you Lord..

thank you for family that strengthen and define me (whether good or bad).

thank you Lord for birthdays and reasons for celebrations…gatherings meant to cement the bond.

thank you Lord for beautiful beginnings and memorable endings.

thank you for the past that made me understand my vulnerability

 and the future that i look forward to with much ease and hope .

thank you Lord for friendships…

friendships that embrace me and mold me to inspiration

friendships i know that are worth minding

friendships that im keeping in my heart forever.

time travel

im going to where the sands envelop the hands

where the clocks tick on half a beat

and the music strums on negative decibels…

there’s always love

i admit, for the fierce and upfront person that i am, someone who dares challenges in life, surging through obstacles like a bull after the red shawl, i am scared of quite a number of things. whether it may be getting old and not having steady hands to put lipstick on, losing love ones,  being officially told i cant have kids and having terminal cancer, one of my greatest of fears is going bald.

the latter is the most pressing matter that concerns me most recently because i have noticed that my hair (although i never see them fall in clumps) has started to leave its roots.  i am seeing more and more of my scalp everyday, whenever i look in the mirror (a mighty square millimetre perday maybe?) and even doing a quick check on of my reflection on a window .  its such a scary thought that for the vain (im not really, but for the lack of a better word, i love to beautify myself you see) person that i am, its such a stressful cloud over my pretty balding head.

today, in my 6-7 weekly visit to my hairdresser, ive noticed that even no matter how accustomed she has been to how thin(ning) my hair is, i could still see the dilation of her pupils from the shock whenever she feels that the pumped up look of the hair is purely due to products and not by hair particles itself. she (nicole) was so nice by saying, my hair is thick in the backside, but its the top it’s where its thin. we have a little laugh about it perhaps she must feel sorry for me, me with a shiny scalp, she with thick mane and slick haircut.

i can tell you how good she is by making me feel and look fabulous after every “me” time at the salon, and with great difficulty makes my hair get to the biggest it could get (only to get deflated by the cold wind on the trek back to the car).  i always come out feeling feminine and more assured that yes, i have got the mini boost of self-confidence once again after being pumped up by a dollop of thick volumizing mousse.

unfortunately,not today.

today, i came out of ‘hair oasis’ feeling as deflated as my sideswept bangs, and the only thing as shiny as my scalp is the shine of my ever potruding forehead. i knew, for the love of money and country, i need to do something about it. the only thing is, i am not as rich as elton john so my scalp will be embedded hairfollicles, nor am i desperate (but nearly) to go all the way to the wigfarm and wear husky-feeling horsehairs as wigs.

i went home feeling sorry for myself and since the dinner with the inlaws for tonight wasnt until 8:45 pm i had a few hours to kill for self-pity and comfort eating. adrian found me sat on the couch, deflated and tearful. all the more teary when he asked “what’s the matter?”.

i replied by bursting into tears telling him that i will sooner be a bald woman with no prospects of a solution and that if he feels embarrassed by me, i should not hold it against him if he decides to leave me. besides who wants a bald woman for a wife? “i do” he said.

he kissed my tears away and took a handful of the crisps i was eating. he sat beside me , ate with me in silence, munching away and listening to my sobs and wails about a doomed future of forever having to wear wigs and not being able to go to salons anymore. 

and in that silence, i know love will never forsake me. he will be there no matter how big an 80’s hair i will have or a thin wispy patch over my scalp, he is there, to share my woes (and my crisps) with me.

bring on the baldness.

do you believe in love?

-in love that is spellbinding

 that it is sacrilege to even breathe and think and sleep without the person,

and that the throbbing in your brain spells the morse code for his name?

-in love that is painful

when even to imagine a nanosecond that will pass without him is an abyss of loss, the ghosts of its possibility is haunting?

and to even pry your minds open what comes out are only dreams of being one, of togetherness, and that of constant contact and passion that only that person can illicit from you.

-in love that is trusting,

yet needy of the emotion that couples what you are now feeling,

caring, yet powerful and heady, so strong it blows you away,

steady, yet careless of the world around you because what only matters are you and him, amidst the scrutiny of witnesses.

and in love that so unique,

that it becomes you, whole and wonderful,

giving you fire, un-extinguishable,

thirst, un-quenchable.

hunger, insatiable,

and ignorance,

 forever, ignorance—that tomorrow, no matter

how strong, steady and powerful this love

it could always grow wings

and elope with the wind.

 

(rage)

frost bite

this cold, bitter cold feeling that sits on your doorstep waiting to get invited.

the blues, the sadness, that takes away the grin, the sunshine, the mojo, the whatchamallit in life.

i come across it every now and again, most often than not, i have let it in, and i have let it taken residence but i have resolved it should only be temporary, an episode, a chapter if this unfinished book titled ‘life’, sometimes, staying longer than some, others making it difficult to dissolve.

i will not let it run me, i heard myself saying over and over again, but i admit defeat to it, most often than not.

this time, i am hopeful, and still trying.

i will be fighting it, i will make the most of my day counting daisies instead of summing up fallen apples. i will make my imagination a palace of pastel colours and not where a dark cloud loiters. i will sing songs of births and cherubs and heroes (unsung or not), and less of wars, catastrophies and deaths. i will create a space of love, play and romance, more often than indifference, envy and ignorance.

you cant say i haven’t tried.

to be free

It is true that you don’t know what you’re missing until you don’t have it. 

 in my case, im having a case of knowing what I don’t have because i have something  now. free time. isnt that worth a blog? 

nothing too grand, but to say that im a free woman, is one of the best things i could utter (free time baby, yeah!). no essays, no referencing and a break from studying. (“break” being the operative word).

i came home today, half expecting myself to get back to researching, reading, editing and referencing. but alas, the deed is done. last assignment handed in, and its not even deadline yet (its tomorrow!). what great accomplishment for a crammer.

so instead of foraying into academic endeavours on the computer, i satisfied my my lust for my news from my friends’ blogs. what an afternoon!

after tea and a plum fruit, adrian and i went to mothercare to buy some baby stuff for a baby shower ive organized for a friend. since we werent rushed, we went on to do a little bit of shopping at costco. what wonderful feeling, not to rush.

i will savor these moments.  

i’m so proud!

i called mama friday pm (philippine time/early morning UK), to inform her about changes to  her party, when at the background, i could hear a woman with a loud booming voice expressing herself in all manner of justice.

i asked “kinsa na?” (who’s that?) me, wondering why on earth there was a gymnasium-feel to the background and the woman seemed to sound like she was asked to give evidence in court, in loud speakers at that!

“si ana, nag debate sila karon”. (ana’s doing the debate today). ahhh, ok.

i thought it was a practice debate. it turned out, ana, my talented and super-buutan (good girl) sister was part of the cesafi debate team for velez college, against UC.

in the middle of my break today, i got a text from mama that ankai won best speaker for the debate.

i cant tell you how proud i am. im so proud im related to her.

i cant wait to test that medal on me, and wonder how it feels to be best speaker too!=)

congratulations lil sis!=)

* * *

and for some news about yours truly:

i walked the cold streets of islington today after ive attended the Manual handling Annual conference at the Business Design Centre.

i found little nooks and crannies that made me say “oh wow!” i wished ive brought my DSLR today but i didnt. thank goodness for slim cameras i could smuggle in to the business centre, that at least took care of it (for the meantime).

the ambitious photographer-wannabe in me wanted to snap pics at those quaint little shops , and antique boutiques just around the creative quarters of london. soho is so outdated, islington is the place now.

(not only that, ive found the boutique frenchfrost, sadie frost’s boutique and i was amazed with the shop’s layout.)

so, i promise myself, i would come back and take pictures of islington using my Dee.

and be snappy-happy.=)