“runaway train,never coming back, runaway on a one way track“…
i remember that song everytime i have a nagging feeling to run away and be incognito for a few days. yes, sadly, and in no way proud of, in my family, (teenage years), i was the runaway queen. not far nor really too absent, but i wanted to be somewhere somewhat at arms length.
i dont remember when the first time was i wanted to run aways but i guess, the “flight in distress signal” has been inculcated in my young subconscious when i saw my mother packed her bags and left my father for a few hours. my father obviously ran after her but on the 3rd time she did so, he left with her and they semi-eloped and moved to a different house (this was when my father and mother and us kids were living with the grand matriarch, THE LOLA).
everytime my mama comes home to my waiting papa there is that sense of longing and missing one another and it gives time for the other to reflect. you can see the the other has thought about the things that went on and realize the other’s worth and gives importance to the person they almost lost. this in hindsight, i think is the reason why in teenage years/early adulthood i resorted to running away.
although to say, i only did it twice, all the reasons were conflicts with family within family. coming from a family where the father’s word was the written rule, and the mother was the second in command, i was somewhat quite rebellious knowing that i was already the breadwinner (or majority of it) of the family for most of the time, it felt like i was only respected and needed when money is concerned, but when other things when decision making was tantamount to life-changing results, i wasnt consulted nor asked. it hurt and it grated until the time i couldnt take it. i left our house overnight to sleep in the office where i worked.
i came back the next day apologetic but none of the welcoming drama you see on telenovelas, instead a slap in the face and a bucket of painful words that being stubborn that i was, i should have left them dead and didnt come back. it hurt but i stayed because without me, where will they be? and most importantly,i wouldnt have been happy without them.
the second time happened with the same reasons, but i stayed away from home for a month, lived in a rented room, but the purse strings still attached to home. and made me realize, “what am i doing?”. i better go back and save money on rent and live back home no matter what the issues were, because, even if i was living away, i still was helping the family financially more than i was supposed to. its not as if, i can completely cut my ties from them.
i can laugh at this now, because in hindsight, these family dramas were all blown out of proportion by my ever dramatic self, that cant stand conflict and argument and bad feelings. id rather stay away and be hidden from view and be missed than be in full technicolour when all they see are the bad bits. as you can see, my growing up years were tinted with more happy than sad and whenever there were conflicts, i run and fly, and only come back when there is peace. from all sides.
* * *
today, and actually, for quite some time now, i felt like running away. running away from people who you know were just asessing you and waiting for you to measure up to their expectations (most often than not, requirements). people who dont know that with all the blabber and holier-than- thou attitude, they are talking from their posterior orifices.
its not making me angry because its not something to get angry about. it just makes me feel sad.
sad that for some time, i was willing to give my heart and soul and life to them, yet, they are only willing to take it without the blood. whatever happened to unconditional friendship?
or am i too naive? just because i dont set conditions on whoever becomes my friend, it doesnt mean everyone has the same basis for relationships.
it doesnt even mean i cant do what they ask me to do, but why expect, and loudly so?
im running away far from the maddening crowd. and never to be seen again.
but can i hack it?
* * *
to myself:
i cannot change people, but i can change my attitude towards them. i should be tolerant, be more understanding. or else, i’m the one on the losing end.
but for now i’ll just have to get a ticket to that damn train.
